41/Cop/Classroom

Chris Hansen is against predators, not adulterers. 

I wonder if the police extended the lesson by bringing the class along on the bust:

ASHEBORO, N.C. (AP) - Randolph County deputies say they arrested a man who contacted an officer and asked for sex online while the she was posing as a 14-year-old girl for an Internet safety class for middle school students.

Authorities say Michael Hager was arrested several hours later Friday when he tried to meet who he thought was the teen.

One more time for the dense would-be ephebophiles out there: there are no 14 year old girls on the internet. On the internet, the men are men, the women are men, and the young girls are the FBI. And if there were 14 year old girls on the internet, they certainly wouldn't want anything to do with you, ya perv.

Oh, Well OK Then

A Marten. Not a Weasel. 

Is this a Monty Python sketch I've not seen? Because I laughed.

Man carrying dead weasel accused of assault | KOMO News

HOQUIAM, Wash. (AP) - Police say a man was carrying a dead weasel when he burst into an apartment and assaulted a man in Washington state.

The victim asked, "Why are you carrying a weasel?" Police said the attacker answered, "It's not a weasel, it's a marten," then punched him in the nose and fled.

The attacker was apparently looking for his girlfriend and had gone to her former boyfriend's apartment Monday where the victim was a guest.

KXRO reports he left the carcass behind.

Comedy Gold, Jerry! I'm going to go out on a limb and suggest that drugs and/or alcohol were somehow involved. I really want to know the rest of this story. Also, the last line of the article cracked me up:

A marten is a member of the weasel family.

Who says journalism is dead?

Thinking things through

Well, this is just a horrible overreaction and these vigilantes should have simply called the authorities and awaited the swift response of the. . . Nah, I can't do it.

FayObserver.com - Police say two men beaten, stabbed and shot in botched robbery attempt

Two men who police said tried to steal a woman's purse early Monday got more than they bargained for when as many as 15 of the victim's family members and friends rushed to her aid and then severely beat, shot and stabbed the suspects.

Fayetteville police officers arrived at the scene of the melee in the Cambridge Arms apartments about 12:45 a.m. and found two men lying on the pavement of the parking lot with multiple stab and gunshot wounds. Police found a group of the woman's relatives walking in the parking lot covered in blood.

You idiots! Going into a Salvadoran neighborhood where your intended victim's entire family both lives and is angry about the crime problem, as a self-identified member of the Bloods, does not exactly get you into the gangsta hall of fame. It will however get you a little swift karmic justice:

Guevara's family members then ran after the two, caught them and disarmed them during a struggle, Davis said.

"Both suspects were shot during the initial struggle, with the suspect's gun, and then the family severely beat, stabbed and cut both suspects," Davis said

The best part? The loyalty of their compatriot:

The third man had the car doors open and was yelling for the men to get back inside, but he drove off after realizing his accomplices were outnumbered, Flores said. Police identified that vehicle as a silver Buick.

Maybe a little critical analysis of their plan would have prevented their ass-kicking. Maybe I'm too optimistic of the general intelligence and humanity of humans.

Expect a retaliatory drive-by at some point.

iPad

iPad
iPad iPad
iPad!

Wake Up Sheeple! (or, How Buzz Aldrin is going to find you and punch you in the face)

I just read have just been enlightened by some truly amazing work. Really. I mean it. Of course, it's COMPLETE crap, but. . . it's an amazing job: easily, without a shadow of a doubt, in the wackjob-conspiracy-theory hall of fame. A sample of the masterpiece to which I refer:

It is important to note that the room in question was numbered 217 in the Stephen King version of The Shining. For unknown reason's Kubrick changed it to 237.

Those unknown reasons are about to be come known.

Danny is literally carrying a symbolic Apollo 11, on his body, via the sweater, to the Moon as he walks over to room 237. Why do I think this?

Because the average distance from the Earth to the Moon is 237,000 miles.

The real truth is that this movie is really about the deal that Stanley Kubrick made with the Manager of the Overlook Hotel (America). This deal was to get Kubrick to re-create, in other words, to fake, the Apollo 11 Moon landing.

EUREKA! 4 pages may seem long, but trust me (and why shouldn't you?) the words just fly by. In no time at all YOU WILL JOIN ME WITHIN THE RANKS OF THE ENLIGHTENED. Read the whole thing.

Dude, BEAR

The idiocy of people. . .

Panda attacks man who wanted a cuddle at Chinese zoo

A PANDA at a zoo in southern China attacked a student who sneaked into its pen hoping for a cuddle.

The 20-year-old male student surnamed Liu jumped over the fence at the zoo in the tourist city of Guilin, ignoring warning signs not to, Xinhua news agency said.

"The panda, named Yangyang, was wide awake. Apparently scared by the intruder, he bit at Liu's arms and legs," it quoted an unnamed worker as saying.

Zoo keepers managed to calm the bear and rescue Mr Liu, the report said.

"Yangyang was so cute and I just wanted to cuddle him," Mr Liu was quoted as saying from his hospital bed.

"I didn't expect he would attack."

Scientists believe fewer than 2000 giant pandas live in the wild in China.

"Didn't expect he would attack?" Really, even though it's, like, a BEAR and stuff? I know Pandas and other wild f'ing animals are all cute and cuddly looking, but that doesn't mean they're actually cute and cuddly. Not to be too heartless, but maybe the workers should have just let this guy Darwin himself. Hell, if some random dude just started trying to hug me, I'd be justifiably annoyed. . . probably enough to want to attack.* And I'm not a BEAR.**

*Cute ladies are still free to hug me (though I'd still prefer some warning) without fear of being mauled. . . maybe.
**Yeah, yeah, [generic gay joke goes here], etc.

Superman Says, "Buy Acme Brand Products!"

So, we've all seen this Stride Gum ad where the long-lasting flavor bring sales to a stand still.



Not a bad series of TV spots; funny, ironic, and they even have one ad exploring a character's deja vu of being stuck in the ad cycle.

But now they have really done it. Last, Thursday's Smallville was one long Stride ad. See, Smallville likes to have s little fun playing around with some origins--often fake-outs that geeks may enjoy or groan at. So, they whip out a little diddy about "plastic man" (who isn't the well-known one) tying in with the return of Pete Ross, and--trumpets--Stride gum. Ross chews some kryptonite infused Stride gum and, of course, becomes stretchy (a trans-flesh in Ultimate-U parlance). He found it in an abandoned Stride factory where a band he was roadying for was playing.

Clark: "That place is closed down already?!"
Chloe: "Maybe next time they won't make the flavor last so long."

I. Kid. You. Not.

As Ross departed, he pops one more piece of gum into his gob, holds the product face-out like it was a pack of Mentos, and heaves it at a smiling pretty girl. I like to think of the ad men that came up with this as floating leg-crossed around board room table in a Zen-like peace. This is one of those things that so transcends retarded that it comes out the other end as genius. Retarded? Retarded like a fox.

Nothing Racist About This

Hendrik Hertzberg:

"To deal first with the obvious: Rice may be “only” the second woman and the second African-American to be Secretary of State, but she is indisputably the highest-ranking black female official ever to have served in any branch of the United States government. Her nomination to a constitutional executive office would cost McCain the votes of his party’s hardened racists and incorrigible misogynists. They are surely fewer in number, though, than the people who would like to participate in breaking the glass ceiling of race or gender but, given the choice, would rather do so in a more timid way, and/or without abandoning their party. And with Rice on the ticket the Republicans could attack Clinton or Obama with far less restraint."

First off, what hardened racists? I've met many a repub and they never introduced themselves as hardened racists, there are no "plantation republicans" like the log cabin republicans. But see how it is written "his party's hardened racists." Not "lose the votes of hardened racists who might otherwise vote republican," no, the GOP's full racists and misogynists, like we seat a delegation of klansmen at the convention.

But that aside what is with these lines:

"given the choice, would rather do so in a more timid way, and/or without abandoning their party. And with Rice on the ticket the Republicans could attack Clinton or Obama with far less restraint."

So, let me get this striaght. 1) Rice is a timid breakthrough. Is this because she's some uncle tom, or does this writer wish to suggest that a VP spot is a "timid" breakthrough? Is she somehow more "safe" for us cross-burning types? 2) So, then Rice allows us to attack the black guy and the woman in ways we couldn't get away with otherwise? Something like following up a prejudiced joke with "some of my best friends are black?" Wow. Just wow. Oh. Oh, wait there more--he's got a little more bile--wait a sec.

"Choosing Rice would be a trick. Her failures would be buried in an avalanche of positive publicity... But the trick would not be an entirely cynical one. Her ascension, though nowhere near as momentous a breakthrough as the election of Obama or Clinton, would be a breakthrough all the same. In this connection, a kind word for George W. Bush may be in order. By appointing first Colin Powell and then Rice to the most senior job in the Cabinet, a job of global scope, Bush changed the way millions of white Americans think about black public officials. This may turn out to the most positive legacy of his benighted Presidency."

So, again she's not momentous, not exactly clear why, but she would be wrongly greeted as a positive when the truth is she's part of the benighted "junta." In fact, she's the only good thing Bush ever did! She's less than Hill or Obama, she's failed, she's a shield for race-baiting, but she's the best thing Bush ever did.

Dude! That was the political equivalent of kung-fu kicking five guys at once! What's a thank-you card like from this guy? "I didn't need the help, and you could have done better, but considering your retardation, this was fine work which my moron boss likes... PS: you're ugly."

Trust Your Government

From across the Pond:

My baby had cancer but social workers falsely accused me of child abuse and took all three of my children.

Holy crap, what a travesty. Remember folks: They're from the government and they're here to help.

Government: Here to Help

Problem: Social Security is running out of money.
Solution: Declare people dead, open up their bank accounts like a sardine can, and profit!

Just wait until we have Universal Health Care; problems like this won't be problems anymore, they'll be solutions. After all, with UHC, the government will have even more agencies than they have now with which to declare you dead and your money theirs. Hey, don't complain, your money should be the government's anyway.

Noble conviction

I got some mild amusement out of this:

Obama Girl Didnt Vote
By Jennifer 8. Lee

So, did the “Obama Girl” actually vote for Barack Obama on Tuesday?

Actually, no.

Last summer, the music video “I Got a Crush on Obama” was a Web hit, splashing a seductive performance by a 26-year-old model named Amber Lee Ettinger across millions of screens and prompting deep thoughts about candidates and sex appeal, the YouTube generation

On Tuesday night, City Room ran into Ms. Ettinger at an election-watching party in Greenwich Village and asked how things went at the polls.

“I didn’t get a chance to vote today because I’m not registered to vote in New York,” she said.

So where is Obama Girl registered to vote?

“New Jersey.”

Um, but didn’t New Jersey also hold a primary?

True. The problem, she explained, was that she was sick in New York City and was unable to get back across the Hudson River to the polls in Jersey City.

Heh. I'd have more sympathy but for the reason for her illness and her activities before and on Primary Day:

“I was in Arizona for the Super Bowl — every time I get in the airplane I get sick,” said Ms. Ettinger, who did manage to make it to the Svedka Fembot election returns party at Chinatown Brasserie.

[. . . ]

Ms. Ettinger said she had dragged herself out Tuesday night under duress only because she was scheduled to perform at the Bowery Poetry Club. The previous day she had hit the streets of New York to interview voters, where a Daily News photographer snapped her picture on Park Avenue.

Someone stop my eyes from rolling. I guess she thought her beau Obama wasn't talking about her when he spoke about sacrifice Tuesday night/Wednesday morning.

Red-Headed Truther?

Willie Nelson: Twin Towers Were Imploded on 9/11

Willie Nelson appeared Monday, February 4, 2008, on the nationally-syndicated Alex Jones Show in a ground breaking interview where the country music legend said the twin towers were imploded on 9/11. "I saw those towers fall and I've seen an implosion in Las Vegas - there's too much similarities between the two, and I saw a building fall that didn't get hit by nothing," added Nelson, referring to WTC Building 7, which collapsed in the late afternoon of September 11.

Yeah, because making good music and smoking a TON of teh kine bud is equivalent to being a trained, experienced structural and/or demolitions engineer, like these guys. Seriously, there's no way the Bush Administration is the right combination of evil, intelligent, and conniving to pull off imploding the twin towers and other buildings, kill thousands of Americans, and cover it all up. That isn't to say that the Bush Administration didn't leverage events toward their own ends, but actually causing those events? Please.

At least it's not U.S.

I can't say I'm particularly surprised:

Never, in the field of human ignorance, have so many known so little about famous Britons.

A quarter of the population think that Winston Churchill never actually existed, a survey suggests.

[. . . ]

According to the survey of 3,000 respondents, many believe the inspirational Indian leader Mahatma Gandhi, Cleopatra and the Duke of Wellington are also characters dreamed up for films and books.

Some think Charles Dickens was himself a character in fiction rather than the creator of David Copperfield, Oliver Twist and Martin Chuzzlewit.

In a damning indictment of the nation's historical knowledge, many of those surveyed said they believe Sherlock Holmes was a real person, along with the pilot Biggles and even the Three Musketeers.

That's pretty sad, but then again, 25% of the people with whom I interact are blathering idiots, and I only give that low a percentage because I'm feeling unusually magnanimous today. It is good to know, in a twisted sort of way, that it's not just U.S. education that, well, sucks. I'm sure there are good educators in Great Britain who genuinely care about what their students learn and the quality of their own teaching skills, just as there are here in the States, but I'm equally sure that such educators are being beaten down by a system that rewards mediocrity and the lowest common denominator at the expense of actual education, also just as it is here in the States.*

That being said, thinking Field Marshall Montgomery and Gandhi are fictional while believing Sherlock Holmes and Robin Hood are real is pretty bad.

*Ms. S, I apologize for that run-on sentence; I swear I paid attention to you in fifth grade.

"Bus Only" Means BUS ONLY

Idiots, but at least they amuse me: Video of vehicles getting nailed by bollards when they try to sneak into bus-only roadways. Apparently getting hit by one also turns on the windshield wipers.

Literary Minds of Might

Shop pulls Lolita bed for young girls

A chain of retail stores in Britain has withdrawn the sale of beds named Lolita and designed for six-year-old girls after furious parents pointed out that the name was synonymous with sexually active pre-teens.

Woolworths said staff who administer the web site selling the beds were not aware of the connection.

Three thoughts:

1) Bwhahaha

2) They haven't heard of Lolita? Really? It's been in print since 1955, is widely regarded as one of the best books of the 20th century, and it's been made into two movies.

3) Why do I think that

a) I'm going to get some weird Google-search hits from this post, and
b) One of those hits is going to be from this guy:

Jif has never lied to me!

This is hands down the crazist, funniest, least science-based, hell, the least REASON-based, denial of evolution I've ever seen or heard. I don't even understand how a person with faith and of reasonable intelligence could begin to rationalize this tripe, much less actively encourage others to believe it. This is the kind of crap that does nothing but harm to both sides of the Intelligent Design/Evolution debate. Man, I love the Internet:

Black Friday Vent

Yes, I went shopping on Black Friday. I wasn't exactly planning on it, but last night I saw some decent prices on one of the Black Friday deals aggregator web sites. Still, I wasn't planning on doing, well, anything today, good deals or not.

Then the dog ABSOLUTELY HAD TO GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW! at 5:35 AM, and I was awake and couldn't get back to sleep. So I said "screw it" and drove up to Office Depot (they had good prices on what I actually needed), thinking (correctly) that they wouldn't have the people crazy enough to camp outside. I passed Best Buy on the way home last night: the tent people were already out there, at 9:00 PM or so. So when I got to Office Depot, there were only 20 or so people in line at the door, with only five minutes til the doors were scheduled to open. "Sweet!" thought I, "I'll be able to get in and out and home in time for the second half of the morning news."

I was wrong.

There was only 1 manager with the keys to the locked cases, where approximately half of the "must-have" deals resided. There was only one register open, so the line reached 50 people deep (literally; I stopped counting the people with whom I was queued at 50) in a matter of minutes. To Office Depot's credit, they had plenty of stock for the initial rush, which, according to a manager I overheard, they had "not anticipated." Not anticipated? On the vaunted and much-hyped "Black-Friday?" Idiots.

Luckily for me, only one of the 4 items I bought was an "OMG-we-need-15-of-those-'cause-it's-such-a-good-price" item, so I was able to get what I what I wanted to the mega-checkout line without any hassle.

Still, other than the wait to actually pay for my goods, I got some good deals: a $15.00 piece of crap (but working) DVD player for either the garage or the guest bedroom, a good price on a couple gigs of RAM for the PCs (really improved performance, by the way, on Linux and XP), and a good deal on something for someone who'll probably read this.

Still, though. . . "didn't anticipate" a crowd on Black Friday? I say again: Idiots. At least I didn't go to Best Buy or, God forbid, Wal-Mart.

Quote of the Day

Third paragraph:

"Vonnegut was the American Mark Twain."

-J. Michael Lennon, who, according to the Wiki,

"is a former professor of English at Sagamon State University, in Illinois, and Wilkes University in Pennsylvania."

Man, I hope that was just a slip of the tongue.

Man killed by trouser snake

You and your dirty mind. No, really, this is proof that stupid crazy drunk rednecks exist everywhere, not just here in Georgia:

Man killed by trouser snake

A Cambodian man's time on this earth ran out when, during a drinking session, he spotted a 2-metre-long cobra swimming in a river – and immediately decided to remove his trousers and use them to wrangle the snake.

The Bangkok Post reports that he planned to sell the snake later.

Unfortunately for the man, 36-year-old Chab Kear, his trouser-wrangling skills were no match for the snake.

Once he had tied that animal inside his trousers, attached to his waist with a scarf, it managed to get its fangs through the fabric of the trousers, biting him three times in the stomach.

The paper reports that Kear's response to the cobra bites were, heroically: 'don't worry - it's nothing a drink can't fix.'

These were also the last words he uttered on this mortal plane.

Heh. "Alchohol: The cause of and solution to life's problems" apparently did not apply in this case. My crack reporting staff* managed to get a film of the autopsy X-Ray:Additionally, I feel that I should receive an award or some other recognition for Google Image Searching "trouser snake" with Safe Search off in a fruitless attempt to find an amusing, yet safe for work, image with which to entertain you people. I've seen things I'll not easily be able to unsee. I knew I would, but still. . .

*Two drunk monkeys and an aloe plant totally count as a reporting staff.

I want pictures!

If you're in Cullman, Alabama on November 10th, please get many pictures of the Alabama Ku Klux Klan protesting against the National Knights of the Ku Klux Klan. That's right, the KKK is protesting the KKK. Why? Well, in the most ironic comment I've heard in awhile, an "investigator" for the Alabama KKK [whatever that is] said,

We are opposed to the ignorance and stupidity as displayed by the individuals that thumbed their nose at the area churches by continuing to use racial slurs, threats and avoided Christian deportment.

I. . . I think my eyes just broke themselves off their optic nerves from rotating up and around so quickly. Also, if violence breaks out between the two groups, I hope the police just grab some coffee and watch the racist bastards kill each other off.

UPDATE: The Southern Poverty Law Center has more.