Steven Seagal Watch #11

That's right, the Ponytailed One is back, and this time it's NOT a movie on the USA network at 3 in the afternoon on a Saturday. Nor is it life-changing display of his patented flurry of punches or the blizzard of roundhouse kicks he can unleash from at will from underneath his belt-overhanging gut, rather, it's a "rare appearance" at a Canadian casino with his band, Thunderbox (chuckle-snort). Even now, his Canadian True Fans can see the oily master of the art of human destruction LIVE and in person, mumbling and whispering his way through the opus that is "Songs From the Crystal Cave," which we first mentioned here.

The steamroller that is Seagal is rolling through Canada as we speak. . . prepare yourselves for annihilation, for a U.S. tour cannot be far behind. And people laughed when I told them they needed to stockpile food and ammunition. . .

Steven Seagal Watch #10

If Local, State, and Federal authorities had trouble handling Katrina they should have called Steven Freakin' Seagal--because he's the badddddeeesssttt of the bad, baby! And I mean bad. But with all this hurricane coverage whatever it is the monotone avenger is up to, and I'm sure it involves ninjas or lost treasure, is not making the news (probably just as the stealthy Seagal planned). So, until his return to the headlines here are some fun Seagal-related sites to visit. This one has the 10 universal rules of Seagal movies, for example:

3.A great amount of broken limbs
One of the fun parts of watching a Seagal flick is to count the number of broken legs, arms and fingers that his character inflicts on his enemies. I'm at a loss to think of which movie has the most broken limbs but I'll estimate that in his career he's probably broken over 200 or more. I think that he should just make a movie where he walks down the street breaking people's arms!

This site has lots of Seagal stuff, although it's not the most user friendly and contains graphic language, but it does have a drinking game!

"Any character discusses his CIA or strange past - One drink
Steven won’t tell them about his past when asked - Two drinks"

Drinking is almost a requirement when watching a Seagal flick, and paying attention to the rules will limit your contact with the gaping plot holes. However, the cake-taker is the Seagal Haiku section, meant to be read in a Steven Seagal voice whisper; here's a taste:

Take over this ship?
That's just not gonna happen.
I'm taking you down.

Both the drinking game and the Haiku's can be found under the "Spoofs" section. I liked the site's content, if not design, so much I decided to try my own haiku:

Executive Decision.
Never in decent movie again.
Wish I had really died.

Steven Seagal Watch #9

Oh, yes! He's back again. New movie? New Album? Defusing another Atomic Bomb? No, the one-time Mountain Dew pitch man is wants you to taste something: his berries. Yes, the "Glimmer Man" has his own line of energy drinks. Here's a real quote (I swear I did not make this up): "I have traveled the world creating this drink; there is none better that I know," he whispered. The secret formula has something to do with the mystical Tibetan goji berries, which, as we all know, grow only in the deepest hidden valleys of the Himalayas where they are guarded by the mighty yeti. Keep on the look out for Garm to post on Seagal's brush with the mob, since one of his producer buddies just got out of jail.

Until next time: WWSSD (which I guess means What would he drink in this case.)

(Ed. note: I swear, when I first looked at the above picture, it took me a second to realize that it's a PLASTIC head of Seagal. -Garm)

Steven Seagal Watch #8

Hello, kiddies! Seagal's not done. In fact, he's just getting his second wind. Black Dawn is a new movie, apparently a sequel to the 2003 film, The Foreigner, in which, I kid you not, the lead character is named "Jonathan Cold." In other Seagal "movie" news, there are rumors of an Under Siege 3, because...you know, he's got to the third one, and then go back and do the prequels! If you're looking to see the Mumbling Master in the flesh, you could go to the Burton Festival and catch him playing the guitar, with, like, rock 'n' roll hall of farmers ... Until the next direct to DVD action title, you can swing on over to Atom Films and watch these three "Seagal Shows," which are pretty fantastic and something mmanndmii:.:.:...;.... ... (What did you say?) Apparently, the juveniles over at the Toliet are responsible (some anti-Bush content, not recommended for the faint of politics). In a tie in with the question of profaning icons/trademark from the Boy Wonder post, just remember this is nowhere near the Newgrounds hosted "Snarly Brown" which was basically Charlie Brown as the Bad Lieutenant, something that was so sued off the web I could only find this cached mention of it. These cartoons are might anger Seagal, but I'd say they fall within satire.

Until next time: WWSSD

Steven Seagal Watch #7

Steven Seagal is saving the world once again! He's donated $100,000 to help dismantle a nuclear weapon. It's all part of the "Full Circle" ceremony--The "Atomic Flame," which was kindled from the fires of Hiroshima, was walked to Trinity Test Site, New Mexico and snuffed. About controlling WMD's Seagal says, "It's our responsibility as global citizens to rid the world of this imminent threat." Is anybody wierded out that Seagal has even the remotest degree of connection to an A-bomb, or that he's on the cutting edge of arms control, or that he's preaching to us about our responsibilities as "global citizens?" But apparently, Mr. Seagal is not as sensitive to South-American "global citizens." The Zen master's new movie "Submerged" makes Uruguay look so bad they considered suing Seagal. This article sums up the pain that is Seagal's acting skills with this gentle note: "Through it all, Seagal, the man of a single face, looks and acts as if he's on a subway commute. Even when the sub is blown up, his only reaction is, 'Oh, man.'" Burnnnnn!

Garm's $.02's: My only question is this: Did he whisper for no reason when he talked about WMD's? And always remember: WWSSD?

Steven Seagal Watch #6

Steven Steagal got mad and gave Genie and Garm "The Look."

We Are NOT AFRAID!

the truth is out there.




Until next time, ask yourself: WWSSD

Steven Seagal Watch #5

Concerned about the Seagal movies that might never get made? Worried you'll miss out on all that tough-guy goodness? Never fear because this site will let you see what might not be (if there is any justice in this world). The Steven Seagal Movie Generator is truly a miracle of modern technology doing the job of four, even five, mildly-retarded Hollywood executives. It's easy to use, just follow link and keep refreshing for more Seagal style action. There's even a section of promotional posters of the possible movies we're all missing out on, but we have to be patient...Steven needs time to create. Until next time: WWSSD

Steven Seagal Watch #4

If you're wondering where you can watch the Steven Seagal Mountain Dew ad, wonder no more, for it is here in wondrous quicktime. Also, in Seagal Watch news, an old story came to my attention, which, while old, is still awesome. One, because it credits Seagal as a star of the movie Navy SEALs apparently confusing him with Charlie Sheen, and two because it claims that after winning a suit in Germany, Seagal counter-sued that the Plaintiff had ruined his reputation. Think about that, think about what it would take for you as a juror to believe that someone had lowered Steven Seagal's reputation. Until next time: WWSSD

Steven Seagal Watch #3

More proof that the devil runs the movie industry: Steven Seagal is working on a new movie. God help us all. I can only hope that it'll be released straight-to-DVD and I won't have to suffer through the half-second preview I'll see before my thumb finds the button on the remote. The only thing worse than Seagal in another movie is the picture below his: THE MOST DISTURBING PHOTO OF VAN DAMME EVER.

(H/T-geniejunkie)

Steven Seagal Watch #2

Apparently Mr. Seagal is planning to have his album "drop" in early '06: "The martial-arts master culls from a wide swath of musical influences on 'Cave,' including blues, rock, pop, Jamaican dancehall and traditional Indian music."

sooooo. . . does he just have a group of people that are secretly paid by some unknown entity (I'm guessing Illuminati) to constantly praise him? Stevie Wonder may be excused from mockery, as he's never seen any of Seagal's movies.

Next up, Van-Damme lays down some phat hip-hop beats, and Chuck Norris stars in a cheesy TV show. (oh, wait. . . )

Steven Seagal Watch #1

Yep, he's still being a jerk. How do you get sued by your own production company?

Note: The coolness factor of the production company's name is negated by the fact that it's Steven Seagal.